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The Line Kings
We field-test the approaches of three pickup artists BY T.G.
RAND
Man flies across the continent, faxes around the globe
and rockets to the moon. But to his perpetual chagrin, man generally remains, in this
final wink of the millennium, the one who must risk rejection and humiliation by tossing
out what is classically known as "the line." Often remiss in this obligation,
he's left to wonder that had he, in fact, introduced himself, the object of his adoration
may have offered her phone number. It is this reservoir of introduction-induced anxiety
that brings to the fore three wildly disparate gurus of the art of pickup. We turned to
them to learn what women most want to see and hear when approached by a strange (unknown,
not odd) man. Eric Weber is a diminutive, fatherly advertising copywriter who, some 25
years ago, penned the seminal How to Pick Up Girls! Ross Jeffries is a tall,
gangly, demonic aficionado of a hypnotic technique called neurolinguistic programming
(NLP) and the author of the pointedly titled How to Get the Women You Desire Into Bed .
John Eagan is an Irish bartender with 23 years' experience observing pickups - successful
and failed. Men's Fitness spoke to these specialists, reviewed their dissertations
and field- tested their opening lines. Fanning out through the greater Los Angeles area,
we approached a variety of women. Though only one real-life scenario is presented for each
author, we include a final one-to-five rating based on the percentage of phone numbers
acquired using each technique.
PICKUP GURU: ERIC WEBER Biography: Married, four children, successful ad
executive; best known for creating the "I'm a Pepper, You're a Pepper," soft
drink ad campaign of the early 1980s.
Inspiration: As a young man in New York City during the 1960s, he wanted to get
laid.
Classic work: How to Pick Up Girls!
Oeuvre: How to Pick Up Women, Shy Person's Guide to a Happier Love Life, How to
Make Love to Single Women (illustrated), 100 best Opening Lines! Approach: Racy
scenarios conceal what is actually an avuncular outlook ("A good smile automatically
melts a woman!"). Paradoxically encourages honesty and forthrightness while
suggesting white lies as the backbone of technique. (Pretend that you're from out of town,
or you're shopping for a gift for your sister, and so on.)
Author's personal advice to Men's Fitness readers: It's important to meet a lot of
people. Put dramatically less pressure on forcing any one encounter to become an immediate
sexual conquest."
Report from the front: Following Weber's advice, we set out to meet "a lot of
people" - in fact, eight on one Tuesday afternoon. Of Weber's mix of 50 great opening
lines, the most effective were the ones that elicited some type of help or advice - asking
about the freshness of produce in a grocery store, requesting directions, inquiring
whether our tie was straight, etc. The worst-received line involved asking a woman with a
newspaper, "Could I look at how the stock market did today?" This was supposed
to make us look like a tycoon, according to Weber; in reality, it made us look like we
couldn't afford a newspaper. All we got was a blank, annoyed stare.
Location: Arco Tower, downtown Los Angeles. We stand in the lobby waiting for an
elevator.
Object of affection: Purposeful-looking blonde, early 30s. Short hair, short skirt,
heavy makeup; checks her watch three times.
Line: "Is my tie straight? I'm going to an important meeting and want to look
just right."
Response: Reaches up silently and straightens it for us. Then checks her
watch.
Outcome: When we asked for her phone number, she said, "I thought you were
going to an important meeting." We insisted we were. Phone number: acquired.
Rating: 
PICKUP GURU: ROSS JEFFRIES Biography: Single and in his late 30s, Jeffries wrote
the screenplay for They Still Call Me Bruce, of which film critic Leonard Maltin
once wrote, simply: "It's awful."
Inspiration: As a man in his 30s living in Southern California, he was bummed about
"always being the buddy. I had no trouble meeting women, they just all wanted to be
my friend," he says.
Classic work: How to Get the Women You Desire Into Bed.
Oeuvre: Secrets of Speed Seduction (audio tapes), How to Have Incredibly
Beautiful Women Eating Out of the Palm of Your Hand (audio tape). Also markets How to Be
the Jerk Women Love .
Approach: Ruthless, mercenary, possibly illegal. Jeffries recommends employing
lies, deception and the power of suggestion to create "state changes" in women.
His technique, he claims, can leave you just a "minute away from at least some
seriously heavy petting, if not a fuck then and there." Jeffries's book also supplies
lines to aim at "sleazoid sluts" who reject his poetic come-ons. On a
Pyrrhically positive note, chronic low-self-esteem types can take heart from Jeffries's
relentlessly downbeat characterization of women as shameless manipulators and
exploiters.
Author's personal advice to Men's Fitness readers: "It's a lot easier to let a
fish reel you in than for you to reel in a fish. Create a state connection (sort of a
hypnotic condition) which gets the woman aroused, and then sit back and let her rape
you."
Report from the front: No women raped us. Few women even acknowledged us. Those who
did were annoyed. Jeffries's set-ups pretty much fit into two categories: straight pickup
lines and outright scams. An example of the latter is sitting in a bar poring over models'
photographs and telling any woman who'll listen that your sister is casting for a
television movie. We stayed away from the scams and field-tested a few of Jeffries's
straight pickup lines.
Location: TGI Friday's, Woodland Hills, California. Voluptuous blonde, mid-20s,
hoop earrings, swigging a Corona.
Line: "By what name are you called, you shining example of genetic
perfection?" (This was repeated twice for clarity.)
Response: "Did you just escape or something?"
Outcome: As instructed, we riposted with a "slashing comeback for sleazoid
sluts": "You've got a little piece of snot hanging out of your nose," to
which she responded: "That's disgusting. Is there something wrong with you?"
Phone number: not acquired.
Rating: 0
PICKUP GURU: JOHN EAGAN
Biography: Bartender with 23 years' experience "working in the trenches."
He knows the score, man. Married for six years to a woman he picked up in his bar using
the line. "You're beautiful, would you consider joining me for dinner
sometime?"
Inspiration: He thought he should impart his vast bar-acquired wisdom to the rest
of us.
Classic Work: How to Pick Up Beautiful Women (in Nightclubs or Any other Place).
Oeuvre: Strawberry daiquiris, martinis, vodka gimlets, etc.
Approach: Sensible, straightforward. Believes that men, confused by women of the
'90s, have become pathetic, impotent cauldrons of angst spewing lines that range from the
juvenile ("Haven't I seen you somewhere before?") to the offensive ("You've
got a great butt.") Book's strong point: In their own handwriting, 50 women respond
to a questionnaire Eagan devised that really does provide a sense of what women want to
hear and see when approached by a stranger. (Most prefer short hair, a smile, a nice
personality and a sense of humor.)
Author's personal advice to Men's Fitness readers: "Never ask a woman to dance
as an opening line because if she's not in the mood to dance, she'll say 'no.'"
Report from the front: Eagan provides 10 guaranteed pickup lines, nearly of all
which involve telling the woman she's beautiful. We hit on a cross-section of women, and
even the ones we would have pegged as feminists seemed genuinely flattered.
Location: Los Angeles County Museum of Art. Slim brunette, mid 20s, long, wild
hair, no makeup, jeans, backpack, high-tops.
Line: "It's never easy meeting a complete stranger, especially one as
beautiful as you, without being properly introduced. But shall we try anyway?"
Response: "Sure. Okay. What's your name?"
Outcome : Never underestimate the power of a corny line. Phone number:
acquired.
Rating:
T.G. Rand , Men's Fitness health editor, says the only time he ever saw a
fish reel in a man was in Jaws.
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